Ukulele Pandemic a Sign of Global Warming

A specimen of Kalaukuleleum Paremecium at 100x magnification.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/_lovenothing/ / CC BY 2.0

Dear Mel,

I’m writing to beg you to help stop a new disorder that has gone viral and is running rampant, even infecting the residents of small, isolated towns here in northern North Dakota. I may be the last sane person in my once-modest burg of Chafe--all my neighbors have succumbed. I’m speaking, of course, of the lurid outbreak of ukuleles. They’re everywhere! It started out small, as such things do. Someone ordered a tenor uke from your website, allegedly to help pass the long winter. But then his ice-fishing buddies got interested, and before you could thaw a perch, a ukulele band had commandeered the annual Lutefisk Dinner and Dance. Not just tenors, but soprano ukes, concerts, and baritones, too! Now they’re cropping up at the bingo hall, at the bowling alley, and even backing the church choir on Sundays! What’s a god-fearing plainsman gotta do to get some good old Midwestern peace and quiet?!

Signed, No-Hula Howard

Dear No-Hula,

I have to confess that I’m as mystified by the ukulele craze as you are. I mean, sure, they’re cute, portable, sturdy, fun, versatile, relatively inexpensive, easy-to-play, serious musical instruments. But why have they migrated from their tropical island home and spread everywhere, even (of all places) to North Dakota?

And northern North Dakota at that. Doesn’t this get confusing for you folks when you travel around the Flickertail State? If someone hails from, say, the hamlet of Bucyrus, then they’re a southern North Dakotan, right? But what do you call a resident of Westfield, which is in south-central North Dakota? And don’t get me started on the folks who live in North Lemmon, perhaps the southernmost town in North Dakota. It’s enough to make a person long for the simple life of State Center, Iowa, which is exactly where it says it is.

At any rate, I consulted with our local musical epidemiologist, Dr. Cadenza, who said that the ukulele pandemic is global and at this point unstoppable. She blamed penguins. That's right, those portly, flightless, maritime birds. Apparently there was a ukulele-playing penguin brought to Hollywood to star in a movie a year or two ago, and the affliction quickly crossed species. Dr. Cadenza theorizes that global warming led to just the right conditions, ripe for an outbreak. Fortunately, the human variety typically confines itself just to ukuleles, though a recent drug-resistant strain has been identified that includes serious symptoms of umbrella cocktails, tanned skin, and Hawaiian-print shirts. In either case, there is no vaccine nor cure, and chances are, based on the exposures you cite in your letter, you’ve already been infected.

Dr. Cadenza recommends a liberal topical coating of cocoa butter tanning lotion, sunglasses, and a nice little tenor or perhaps baritone Kala uke from Piccolo’s Music. There’s no use fighting it, Howard. Lars, Bjorn, and old Mrs. Swenson will be knocking on your door any minute, with their soprano ukes and chord books. Get that old grass skirt out of your closet, kick off those winter boots, and start strumming!

Signed, Mel

Epidemic in Full Swing

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ganmed64/ / CC BY 2.0