Ukulele Pandemic a Sign of Global Warming

A specimen of Kalaukuleleum Paremecium at 100x magnification.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/_lovenothing/ / CC BY 2.0

Dear Mel,

I’m writing to beg you to help stop a new disorder that has gone viral and is running rampant, even infecting the residents of small, isolated towns here in northern North Dakota. I may be the last sane person in my once-modest burg of Chafe--all my neighbors have succumbed. I’m speaking, of course, of the lurid outbreak of ukuleles. They’re everywhere! It started out small, as such things do. Someone ordered a tenor uke from your website, allegedly to help pass the long winter. But then his ice-fishing buddies got interested, and before you could thaw a perch, a ukulele band had commandeered the annual Lutefisk Dinner and Dance. Not just tenors, but soprano ukes, concerts, and baritones, too! Now they’re cropping up at the bingo hall, at the bowling alley, and even backing the church choir on Sundays! What’s a god-fearing plainsman gotta do to get some good old Midwestern peace and quiet?!

Signed, No-Hula Howard

Dear No-Hula,

I have to confess that I’m as mystified by the ukulele craze as you are. I mean, sure, they’re cute, portable, sturdy, fun, versatile, relatively inexpensive, easy-to-play, serious musical instruments. But why have they migrated from their tropical island home and spread everywhere, even (of all places) to North Dakota?

And northern North Dakota at that. Doesn’t this get confusing for you folks when you travel around the Flickertail State? If someone hails from, say, the hamlet of Bucyrus, then they’re a southern North Dakotan, right? But what do you call a resident of Westfield, which is in south-central North Dakota? And don’t get me started on the folks who live in North Lemmon, perhaps the southernmost town in North Dakota. It’s enough to make a person long for the simple life of State Center, Iowa, which is exactly where it says it is.

At any rate, I consulted with our local musical epidemiologist, Dr. Cadenza, who said that the ukulele pandemic is global and at this point unstoppable. She blamed penguins. That's right, those portly, flightless, maritime birds. Apparently there was a ukulele-playing penguin brought to Hollywood to star in a movie a year or two ago, and the affliction quickly crossed species. Dr. Cadenza theorizes that global warming led to just the right conditions, ripe for an outbreak. Fortunately, the human variety typically confines itself just to ukuleles, though a recent drug-resistant strain has been identified that includes serious symptoms of umbrella cocktails, tanned skin, and Hawaiian-print shirts. In either case, there is no vaccine nor cure, and chances are, based on the exposures you cite in your letter, you’ve already been infected.

Dr. Cadenza recommends a liberal topical coating of cocoa butter tanning lotion, sunglasses, and a nice little tenor or perhaps baritone Kala uke from Piccolo’s Music. There’s no use fighting it, Howard. Lars, Bjorn, and old Mrs. Swenson will be knocking on your door any minute, with their soprano ukes and chord books. Get that old grass skirt out of your closet, kick off those winter boots, and start strumming!

Signed, Mel

Epidemic in Full Swing

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ganmed64/ / CC BY 2.0

Anger Management for the Beginning Musician

Dear Mel,

Help! I've been playing music for about a year, but I still sound like a complete beginner. It's soooo frustrating! I just want to be able to play like my heroes on the radio, and the songs don't seem that hard. But I make the same mistakes over and over--hitting a wrong note, or getting off the beat. That makes me mad and then my playing just goes down the tubes. Trying to play music is so aggravating! I'm about ready to quit. Is there any hope for me and my musical dreams?

Signed, Aaarrrggghhh!

Dear Aaarrrggghhh!

Was that you in the red Corolla yesterday? The one that nearly sideswiped me where Main Street narrows from two lanes to one? You snarled at me from behind your windshield, and gave me the abridged wave to tell me I'm "number one."

This raises a pet idea of mine. Auto makers should aim for more truth in advertising. No more soothing names like Camry, Civic, and the clearly misleading Dodge Diplomat or Honda Accord. Let's get real. Go back to the days of the Dodge Rampage and the Pontiac Grand Fury. For today's drivers, I want to see the the Ford Glare, the Chevy Paroxysm, GMC Wrath, Toyota Tantrum, and last but not least the Kia Coniption Fit.

See, our lives are so frantic and chock full of multi-tasking that we're annoyed and angry at every little snag or trifling trouble that crosses our path. We get impatient in line at the grocery store when it moves too slow. Steam hisses out of our ears when all the close-in parking spots are taken. I suspect we all need a collective deep breath. A zen master (who happens to work at the wastewater treatment plant) once told me, "If you let the little things bother you, then you belittle yourself."

Making music can seem full of little annoyances. Learning to play a musical instrument isn't all giggles and rose petals. Everything feels unfamiliar at first, awkward and confusing. Your favorite recording star makes it look so easy and sound effortless, but then your own halting, fumbling efforts don't measure up. That can be frustrating, aggravating, infuriating.

But it doesn't have to be. Music itself is fun. The only obstacle in your way is you. "Oh great," I hear you thinking, "I ask for help playing my instrument, and Mel's going to tell me the problem's all in my head." Well, yes, as it happens, it is all in your head. But that's the one thing you have some control over, and it's not as impossible as it seems. Just set more realistic goals and be more patient with yourself. Take a breath. Count to ten. Relax. And consider some of the following strategies.

1) Reflect on why you want to play music. If your main ambition is to impress others or become rich and famous, then you'll likely be frustrated for a long time. If, on the other hand, you enjoy music and want to have fun playing your favorite tunes and songs, then you'll find pleasure and satisfaction within the first half hour of getting to know your instrument.

2) Set realistic goals. All of the music we hear on our mp3 players, car stereos, and movie soundtracks (and everywhere we shop) is recorded by professional musicians who've spent decades honing their abilities. And then a studio sound engineer cleans up any squeaks or squawks till every note is inhumanly perfect. Don't expect to sound like this, at least not until you've played for years. Instead, start out with easy music and set achievable short-term goals, like being able to play three chords and change among them cleanly and smoothly after a week or two of daily practice. Remember: it's better to play a few songs well than a lot of songs poorly.

3) When you DO make a mistake, laugh it off. Most mistakes sound pretty silly, like a whoopie cushion going off in church. Go ahead and laugh--you'll relax instead of tensing up, and you'll teach yourself to smile through your mistakes. That's important later, when playing for an audience. If they see you grimace or wince, then everyone knows you made a mistake. But smile through a performance, and they'll smile and relax along with you, and they won't catch on that you've missed a note or taken a scenic detour. Everybody--even the best musicians--makes mistakes. Just let it go and focus on the music ahead.

4) Catch yourself doing something right. It's easy to dwell on mistakes, and then they multiply. Instead, dwell on success. Notice the things that you do really well and build on those. Also, the tricky parts are our friends--without challenges to overcome, we'd stagnate. Playing through new challenges is what makes us better musicians. Celebrate every improvement.

5) Take some lessons. A good teacher can help you avoid pitfalls and bad habits and steer you instead to proper technique and a clear understanding of how your instrument works. Good teachers also emphasize relaxation and developing easier skills before tackling tricky stuff. It's amazing the amount trouble you can avoid with the help of a friendly music coach. Learning music this way is tons more fun and rewarding than beating your head against a giant cowbell.

6) Have FUN! Music doesn't need to feel like work, even when you're woodshedding on a challenging piece. There's a reason we use the word PLAY to talk about making music. It's a very fun, imaginative, playful thing to do. Slow down and enjoy the process of learning to make your instrument sing. Let yourself be thrilled by how even just one note can sound soooo good or how a strong yet simple rhythm can make you want to dance. Play every day, and soon you'll look forward to it like a much-needed vacation (even if it lasts only 30 minutes). And remember: a bad day of playing music is better than a good day in the coal mines.

Signed, Mel

Guitar Picks: The Key to Your Emotional and Spiritual Well-Being

Dear Dr. Mel Odius,

Why are some musicians so picky about picks? I mean, what's the big deal? I cut my own guitar pick out of my HMO membership card and it works fine. I think some people waste their money on picks just for the cool factor.

Signed, Accidentally Uninsured

Dear Accidentally,

Picks are an intensely personal matter. A person's choice of pick reveals deep-seated insecurities and unrealistic self-images rooted in childhood traumas. Or it could be they just think a particular pick is cool (which also reveals deep-seated insecurities and unrealistic self-images). Either way, this sort of personal dirty laundry is a perfect topic for airing in a public blog.

Piccolo's Music is owned and operated by musicians, so of course we carry an insane variety of totally cool, confidence-boosting picks. Incidentally, the pick you use makes a huge difference in your tone and smoothness (or lack thereof). By "huge," I mean an astonishing, earth-shaking, galaxy-warping difference.

For such a small item, picks have a surprising number of characteristics that affect how they sound. Thickness (gauge), size, shape, material, edge beveling, and grip features all influence a pick's feel and performance.

Gauge

Picks come in a wide range of gauges, from thin to medium to heavy, or in more quantifiable terms, from a see-through 0.38 millimeters (mm) to a log-splitting 3.5 mm. "Thin" generally means 0.6 mm or less, "medium" ranges up to 0.9 mm, and "heavy" to "extra heavy" is 1.0 mm up to 1.5 mm. Specialty picks thicker than 1.5 mm are available--popular among some jazz and heavy metal guitarists.

Although the material of a pick also affects tone, its gauge is fundamental to tone. The basic rule of thumb is that thin picks typically produce a thinner tone, and thick picks produce a bigger--some say fatter--tone. But it's important to match the pick to the instrument, the type of music you play, whether you play loud and hard or soft and easy, and to what sort of tone you want. Most folks who try a thicker pick don't like it at first, but if they stick with it for a week or two, they never go back to a thinner pick.

Contrary to what many people think, thin, floppy picks don't help you play faster. In fact, because a thin pick bends (a lot) when it hits a string, your picking motion will be larger and less efficient than with a stiffer pick that instantly pushes through the string. Some people who prefer thin picks hold them so only a tiny bit of the point hits the string, creating a stiffer feel and quicker response.

Material

No other object on the planet is made from so many different materials. In the quest for the tri-part holy grail of tone and feel and durability, pick manufacturers continue to test every possible natural and synthetic chemical compound known. Some pickers swear by nylon or gel picks, while others use picks made from Lexan, stone, metal, ivory, and tortoise shell. Tortoise shell is illegal in most forms, to protect tortoises from crazed flat pickers. And tortoise picks require regular maintenance to keep the edges smooth.

The most common pick material is celluloid, a plastic mix of nitrocellulose and camphor. It was invented in 1854 and soon became the material of choice for billiard balls. The standard reddish-amber mottled picks stamped with "Fender" or "Martin" are celluloid. They're a workhorse pick for many players, mostly because you can find them in every music store. Celluloid is also easily molded, so most "novelty" picks are made from this plastic. But other materials are more durable and produce better tone and feel. Chief among these are Ultex and Tortex, developed by Dunlop picks. These plastics are harder and have more of a matte finish, helping them stick to your fingers. Plastic picks range in price from 25 cents up to a dollar a piece. Not bad for an essential tool that can dramatically improve your playing and tone.

In general, the denser the material, the fuller the tone. Also, dense, stiff picks are more easily manipulated to change and tweak your tone--from whispering to a roar—as you play.

The latest fad in picks includes Wegen picks made of Kevlar and BlueChip picks made from a polymide composite called Meldin. More about Bluechip picks in a future blog.

Size and Shape

These two characteristics tend to go hand in hand. There are itty bitty teardrop picks, big triangular picks, and everything in between. Choices here really are a matter of personal preference. Pros and cons? Smaller picks can be harder to hold on to, but bigger picks sometimes inhibit flexibility in your fingers and wrist. Pick manufacturers are coming out with new sizes and shapes all the time, allowing players to find a pick with an almost custom fit. Once you've found a gauge and material you like, try out all the sizes and shapes you can find. Some players reshape their picks with sandpaper.

Perhaps the most important aspect of pick shape is the profile of the point that actually hits the string. Sharper points tend to produce brighter, clearer tones, while rounded points are warmer or darker sounding.

Edge Beveling

On thicker picks, the edges may be sloped or beveled to reduce "pick click" and to help them slide over the strings more easily. Some manufacturers call this "speed beveling." You can easily sand a bevel onto your own picks, but this option is increasingly "built in" on many better picks.

Grip Features

For generations, pickers have complained about slippery picks and picks that fly off at the most inopportune times. Celluloid picks do get slippery when your hands are dewy from playing. Some players prefer nylon for this reason. But you can get the aforementioned "cat tongue" texture and also a rubbery grip on Cool Picks. Other picks come with ridges or holes drilled into them for added grip. And a few picks are made of materials that actually become tackier as your fingers warm up.

My personal pick choices vary from one instrument to the next. On acoustic guitar, my favorite picks are Dunlop Tortex in either 0.73 mm (yellow) or 0.88mm (green). On electric guitar, I use either a Dunlop Ultex 0.60 mm or a Cool Pick 0.73 mm with the "cat tongue" grip (red). On tenor banjo, I use the Cool Pick cat tongue in 0.53 mm. And on mandolin, I use a 1.5 mm BlueChip Pick (coming soon to Piccolo's, so watch this blog for more details).

Notice that I haven't said anything about skull-shaped picks or picks with imprints of Elvis or "your name here." Most novelty picks are for looks only. They make funny gag gifts or conversation starters. Let's leave it at that.

Your best bet is to try out one each of all the 25 and 35 cent picks you can buy. Piccolo's has a great assortment in stock (in the grey case on the counter to the left as you come in the store). And ask John or Will about the more expensive high end picks.

So if you thought other people were picky about picks, now you know how bad the obsession can truly get. Good luck with your HMO special, and be careful crossing the street....

Signed, Mel

Guitars that look like real musical instruments

Dear Mel Odious,

I want to buy a guitar but I don't have much money. I noticed some good looking guitars on ebay, and also on a tv shopping network. And one of the "box" stores in town sells inexpensive guitars that look like real musical instruments. I'm going to buy one, unless you can tell me why I shouldn't. What's so special about shopping for guitars at Piccolo's Music?

Signed, Dimestore Dave

Dear Dimestore Dave,

Do you want the long or short answer?

Never mind. Here's the long (but interesting) answer. It's true that you can find stuff on ebay, QVC, and in the big box stores at discount prices. These retailers tend to buy the cheapest stuff they can find, and they buy in bulk. So the per-item cost is often less than smaller retailers can match. This works fine with things like dog food and toilet paper. Not so much with guitars. Why?

Sometimes the problem is the guitars themselves. They're often made from inferior materials, cobbled together on assembly lines, and shipped without a case. Super cheap guitars like this come with bonus features like necks set at weird angles, lumpy or loose frets, and unworkable tuners. Some of these guitars aren't actually playable, or, at best, they sound like a cardboard box strung with rubber bands.

Sometimes the guitars are basically okay, but they need $100 or $200 worth of set-up work to play properly. The neck may be warped, or the frets stick out past the edges of the fingerboard, waiting to slice unsuspecting fingers. Piccolo's Music can usually fix such problems, but we think you shouldn't have to spend extra money to repair a brand new instrument right out of the box.

The staff at Piccolo's makes sure every guitar we sell is ready to play before it goes on display. And because we're musicians ourselves, we offer only reputable, well-made instruments, even at the lower end of the price range. We carry Fender, Squier, Ibanez, Artist and Lutherie, and other brands priced to fit any budget. Plus you can sit down and actually play the guitars: test drive them before buying. If you're ordering online, call and talk with Fred, Julie, or John--real musicians!--and they will answer any questions you have.

Oh, and here's the short answer: we won't try to sell you dog food or toilet paper at our music store. But we do carry nose flutes.

Signed, Mel